


The Box

by OnlyHim



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Getting Back Together, Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-13
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-10-04 06:50:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10270742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnlyHim/pseuds/OnlyHim
Summary: It's been a month since Steve and Danny broke up and Danny is still having a hard time coping. He finds something that makes him see a light at the end of the tunnel. He hopes he can get Steve to see it, too.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Very special thank you to my beautiful beta hannahazzard, who always supports me immensely with all of my writing.

Danny couldn't stop thinking about Steve. He had tried, oh, how he had tried, but he just couldn't. It was always just a huge jumble in his head; good times, shared laughs, loving words, passion... Then the fights, intense and hurtful like they'd never been before; so much anger, and bitterness and pain. Of course they'd always bickered and pushed each other's buttons all the time, but when they started dating, after a while it stopped being like that. It was like all their issues had started coming to the surface and they couldn't help but project all their resentment, regrets and painful memories onto one another.

It had been a month since the break-up and Danny was a mess. He felt broken and lonely in a way he'd never felt before, not even after the divorce. Steve had become such a huge part of his life, of _him_ and now Danny just felt lost without him.

Steve would be back soon. Not long after the break-up he'd been called in by the Navy to perform training exercises with a new group of SEALs who'd been stationed in Pearl Harbor for a few weeks. In a way this had been a blessing; neither one of them was looking forward to working together, it was all just too painful. The time apart would do them good, until things settled a bit. Of course that was a huge lie. Nothing had settled, if anything it had gotten worse. But now Steve would come back and they'd be forced to deal with the whole situation. They probably wouldn't be partners anymore. It just wouldn't work. This wasn't such a big deal, they'd both partnered with the rest of the team on several occasions and it had always worked - not as well as when they were together, but it worked. Except it was. It was a huge deal. These past few weeks working without Steve had been hell. Danny felt like he was missing a limb. And now, knowing that Steve would be there, just working with one of the other members of the team would feel like he was being replaced. He knew that wasn't the case – well, when he was thinking clearly, that is, which hadn't been happening very often since the break-up – but it would still hurt.

Danny had been lying on his bed for hours now, and he couldn't sleep. Nothing new there, his insomnia had gotten so much worse after the break up. Not having Steve there, not feeling his warmth, being able to snuggle close to him in the middle of the night... Danny just couldn't make himself relax. He was exhausted, but sleep just wouldn't come. He decided to get up, maybe walk around the house, get some fresh air, anything to try and stop thinking about Steve so much.

He decided he wanted to take a walk outside, so he went searching for his flip-flops – no, he wouldn't call them slippahs, he had to keep some resemblance of control over the Hawaiian way of life that was slowly taking hold of him after so many years on the island. He couldn't find them, so he got down on his knees to look for them under the bed. They were there, along with a box. Danny didn't remember keeping anything there, so he took the box out to check its contents.

There were a bunch of letters inside, with Steve's handwriting on them. At first Danny was confused, but then he remembered the time Steve had stayed with him while he was doing some renovations in his house – he must have brought the box with him and then forgot to take it back. They'd broken up not long after that, and then Steve was called in, so probably even if he did remember, he wouldn't have had a lot of opportunities to go and get it.

Danny knew he shouldn't look, but he couldn't help himself. He missed Steve too much, and that was a part of him. Maybe a part of him that was never intended for Danny to find out and maybe he was being tremendously intrusive, but he needed this. He needed to feel Steve a little.

And then he saw that all the letters were about him. Well, their life together. The first ones were beautiful, and Danny felt such a pang in his heart reading them. They were all of Steve describing their best moments together, how much he had longed to have that, and how happy he was that everything was even better than he had dared hope. Most of what was there Danny remembered as clearly as if they had happened five minutes ago. But there were a few things that Danny hadn't even noticed, or didn't realize that Steve was noticing them. Like how Danny would absentmindedly run his fingers lightly over Steve's hand or arm whenever Steve rested them within Danny's reach. Or how Danny had changed the lamp on his bedside table to one that had the light more focused, because Danny liked to read sometimes when he couldn't sleep and he had noticed that the light was bothering Steve. And how there were things that kept appearing around the house that Steve knew weren't for Danny, but for him. Or how Danny got this soft, happy look on his face whenever somebody mentioned something that they had done together, and Steve knew that Danny was remembering it. And then Danny had to stop reading for a while, because his eyes were getting blurry and his stomach was cramping as if he was going to be sick over what he had lost.

He didn't sleep at all that night. He didn't even know what he was thinking about anymore, he just knew that everything hurt. The next day at the office was awful. Thankfully they didn't have any new cases, because Danny just couldn't concentrate and if he went on the field he would end up getting one of them shot. Then it was the weekend, and it was a weekend with the kids, so that helped distract him. He didn't think about Steve – at least not every five minutes – and he even managed to smile once or twice. He tried to appear okay for the sake of the kids, but he just couldn't muster the energy to fake happiness. Grace wouldn't be fooled anyway. She knew what Steve meant to Danny, had always known, and she knew how much he was hurting now. Charlie was still too little to pay too much attention, or at least that's what Danny hoped. Grace helped a lot, by playing with him and being more enthusiastic when Danny couldn't be.

Then it was Sunday night, the kids were gone, and Steve would be back the next day. He was probably back already, busy unpacking and getting his house back in order. Danny wondered if Steve was thinking about him. If he missed Danny as much as Danny missed him. If he was hurting as much. Danny hoped he wasn't. No matter what happened, Danny would always do whatever he could to keep Steve from hurting and it killed him that most of the times all his efforts weren't enough.

Danny decided he was feeling masochistic enough to go look at the letters again. He flipped through them, seeing how far they went. There was one dated exactly one week before the break-up. Danny hesitated. He didn't know if it would be a good idea to know what Steve had been thinking at the time. He finally decided on reading it, maybe knowing how Steve felt would help him get some closure – or that was just what he tried to tell himself. He opened the envelope and started reading.

 

_“I don't think this is going to last much longer. It's been getting so much worse, and now it feels like we just hurt each other and all the good is gone. I know a huge part of it is my fault. I let so much of all my pain fester under the surface and now that I have someone that I trust so much so close to me it all just keeps coming out. God, I've said so many awful things to Danny. And it will never matter how much I apologize, I'll never be able to forget the hurt look on his face whenever he has to hear something that was meant for someone else._

_He's the only one who has never left me, who has always been there for me no matter the cost to himself, and now he's getting the backlash whenever I'm feeling insecure because it's hard for me to trust after having let so many people_ _walk all over_ _me. There have been too many people that le_ _t me go_ _as if I meant nothing, but never Danny. He would never, he loves me too much for that. And that's exactly why I keep hurting him, because I know he loves me and I know he'll take it._

_It's not like he hasn't been messing up, too, but can I really blame him? He has been hurt so much and now I'm doing the same. I know it was so hard for him to let go of his fears and start this with me, and now I just keep proving him right, keep proving he's right not to let anyone in because he'll just get hurt. And I know it fucks him up when I let all my mess out, because he wants to help, he wants to fix everything, like always, but it's not up to him. It never has been, not with Matt, or Rachel, but he'll never stop blaming himself and now he blames himself whenever I'm in pain because he thinks it's his job to make it go away._

_We just can't make it work. It's breaking my heart, because Danny is everything I ever wanted, everything I ever needed, and I don't know what I'll do without him. But I can't keep doing this to him. I can't stand seeing him hurt knowing it's my fault. I'm just being selfish by insisting on this. He'll be better off without me, and if he doesn't do anything soon, I will. I love him too much not to.”_

 

Danny finished the letter feeling like his chest was being compressed by a boa snake. It felt like the sarin incident all over again, he just couldn't breathe. He wasn't crying, letting the tears out would just make him hurt even more.

“Goddammit, Steven. Why do you always have to be playing the martyr?”

It's not like it had been all Steve's doing. The break-up had been mutual, they had agreed it was for the best. But Danny would've kept trying, he was too stubborn not to – it had taken him a while to get his head out of his ass and stop being so afraid of risking his heart, but once he did it was for the long run. But he wouldn't force Steve to stay in a relationship that was making him unhappy, so he'd decided it wasn't his call. And he'd just let Steve go. He'd stupidly let Steve go.

Of course Steve was right and Danny was always trying to fix things that weren't up to him. But this was. He was done with never fighting for his happiness. He got up from the couch, grabbed his keys and rushed out the door. He was getting Steve back if it was the last thing he did.

 

**********

 

Danny knocked on the door and waited. It wasn't only that he didn't have the right anymore to just walk inside like he used to, but it also would give him a little more time to gather his thoughts.

“Danny,” Steve breathed out as soon as he opened the door, so much pain in his eyes that Danny felt his guts twist. “What are you doing here?”

“We need to talk, Steven.”

It took Steve a long while to respond. After what seemed like forever he blinked and shook his head as if he was trying to bring back his focus.

“Uh, okay, do you... do you want to come in?”

“Yeah, this is definitely not a doorstep kind of conversation.”

Danny could practically feel the tension oozing out of Steve. It's not like he was all that calm himself. They both stood in the middle of the living room, neither knowing exactly what to do.

“What's in your hand?” Steve finally asked.

“This, uh... this is your box. I found it under my bed.”

Steve looked stunned. “You weren't... I didn't mean for you to-”

“I know, but I did find it, and I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have read any of these letters but I did. And I think I'm glad I did, because it might give us a chance to fix this mess.”

“Danny, what are you talking about? We agreed that-”

“Yes, we agreed, but now, in light of the new evidence I found, I'm giving myself the right to change my mind.”

“Why? None of this changes anything.”

“Oh, but it does. It does, Steve, it changes a lot.”

“No, it doesn't, Danny. All the reasons for the break up are still there, they're still the same.”

“Yeah, except I don't think so. Not anymore.”

“Why? What could you have possibly found there that changes things so much?”

“You, Steve. I found you here.”

“What does that even mean?”

“It means that you're going to sit down, and you're going to listen to me.”

“Danny...”

“Just sit, Steve.”

Danny raised his voice more than he had intended, but it served its purpose. Steve finally sat down, but Danny remained standing. He just had way too much energy flowing in him to be able to keep still.

Steve was staring at Danny expectantly, and Danny could see all the emotions hiding in his eyes: fear, anticipation, anxiety and maybe a little bit of hope. Danny decided he'd hang on to that last one.

“Okay, so, I didn't read all of them. I only read a few of the first ones and the last. And it was more than enough.”

“Danny, what are you-”

“Please, Steve, just let me do this.”

“Okay,” Steve sighed, sounding resigned. None of the tension left his body, though.

Danny took a deep breath, trying to focus and organize his thoughts. This was even harder than he'd thought it would be. But he refused to leave the house without getting his boyfriend back. And he'd preferably only leave the next morning.

“It was enough to make me realize that we're making a mistake. A huge mistake.”

Steve made as if he was going to say something, but Danny lifted a finger and he stopped.

“Reading the first letters broke my heart. It's easy to forget when things get bad how good it was when it started. And it wasn't just good, Steve, it was amazing. Those months we were together were a few of the best in my entire life. Today, where my life is now, nothing even comes close to how good things are when I'm with you. It's always been like that, since we first met, and it only got so much better once we got together.”

Danny took a moment to concentrate and figure out how to say the next part. When he looked at Steve, he saw the same pain he'd felt when reading the letters filling his eyes.

“Today I read the last letter. And I get it, Steve, I get why you feel the way you feel, I understand what made you think that we needed to stop, but you're wrong. They're not enough. All those reasons are not enough to throw what we have away.” Danny's hands were flailing even more than they usually did. Because he was anxious, too. He was afraid. Afraid that if he couldn't find the right words he wouldn't be able to convince Steve to give it another try and he just couldn't have that. So he had to get it right.

“We're better than this, Steve. We're so much better. Dammit, we've been through so much together, we've always been there for each other, we can't let this get the better of us. I know it's been hard, and I know we were both messing up, but since when do we just give up like this? And you don't have to answer that, because I know the answer. You didn't think of it as giving up, you thought you were protecting me. Well, guess what, I'd like to make that decision for myself. I only agreed with you because I thought you didn't want this, that you didn't want us anymore, and I just had to accept that. But if you do, then what the hell are we doing? We don't give up, Steve. That's not us. We fight, we fight until we get what we want.”

“But Danny, we tried. We tried so hard and it didn't work.”

“No, we didn't, Steve. We didn't. We gave it a half-assed attempt and then called it quits because we're both idiots. We were both making decisions for the other, and we didn't talk. We never really talked. But we're gonna. Starting now we're gonna talk about everything until we can make this work. We're going back to therapy, and this time it's going to work.”

“Danny, if it didn't work before what makes you think it's going to work now?”

“Because it wasn't our choice to go before. We were forced to go and we never took it seriously. But now we are. Now it's not because the governor got into his head that we needed help. It's our call. It's our call because we matter too much not to give it a decent try. You said in your letter that you didn't know what you would do without me. Well, I don't know what to do without you either. This past month was so awful that I don't even know how to put it into words. Nothing has ever hurt this much. And this is our doing. This is our choice. Now, if you've changed your mind, I'll just-”

“Okay.”

Danny realized now that he'd stopped looking at Steve during his last rant, and now that he did the expression on Steve's face had changed completely. He looked more relaxed, and the hope in his eyes had become stronger.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, okay. You're right. We shouldn't have given up. We should never give up on us.”

“Really?” Danny felt a huge part of the tension leave his body. But he couldn't relax completely because he could see that Steve was still holding something back.

“But it's gonna be hard, Danny. And it might take a while. I'm too fucked up, I'm too-”

“No, no, you're not.” Danny moved and pulled Steve back up. “Just shut up, stop saying that, just shut up.” He wrapped his arms around Steve's neck, pulling him down and burying his nose in the crook of Steve's neck. It took a little while, but Steve finally wrapped his arms around Danny, pulling him in, holding him tight.

Danny took his time breathing Steve in, absorbing the warmth he thought he was never going to feel again.

“You're worth it, Steve.” Danny pulled back so that he could look Steve in the eyes. “Don't you know that yet? You're worth everything.”

“I'm sorry, Danny.” Steve swallowed hard. His eyes were wet and his voice was a little strained from the effort of keeping his emotions in. “I'm sorry I put you through all this.”

“Don't you dare do that, Steven. Don't you fucking dare put all the blame for this on yourself. I was there, too, okay? I agreed to this madness. But we've learned something from this, haven't we?”

“Yeah, Danny.” Steve allowed a smile to start forming on his face. “I've learned that I should never, ever let you go again.”

Danny didn't know if he should cry or laugh, he was so happy. He settled on smiling so big his cheeks hurt, to which Steve responded by grinning like a goof, that grin that gave Danny butterflies in his stomach, made his chest go warm, made him feel so light he could flow away with the smallest breeze, or pass out because it made him so dizzy. Danny decided that the best course of action would be to stretch up and kiss him, as if Steve's mouth was water and Danny had just spent a month lost in the desert – which is exactly what it felt like.

After a few minutes of pure bliss, Danny pulled back to look at Steve again. “Good. And don't you forget it.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the prompt “i found your box of letters underneath my bed last night and because i’m a nosy motherfucker i decided to read them and it turns out they were all addressed to me and the last one was dated the day you moved out and i’m not quite sure why i thought this would be a good idea but here i am, standing on your doorstep, wondering why the fuck we’re not together anymore” AU from [this post.](https://lizmapes.tumblr.com/post/132776827142/post-breakup-aus)
> 
> My [tumblr](http://whenamarshmallowmeetsahothead.tumblr.com/) is exclusively McDanno, in case anyone is interested. You should also go talk to me there, I like the company! =)


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